Anxiety

The definition of anxiety from the Oxford Languages dictionary: 

• a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

• desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease

• a mental condition characterized by excessive apprehensiveness about real or perceived threats, typically leading to avoidance behaviors and often to physical symptoms such as increased heart rate and muscle tension

I have never really considered looking up the dictionary definition of anxiety. For me anxiety is a feeling that manifests physically. I’ve been fortunate enough in my recovery, that I don’t often experience like I did every day of my life in my eating disorder. 

A few days ago, I was riddled with anxiety. Nothing was wrong. I don’t know where it was coming from. It’s frustrating. I tried all the things that usually help like cold water on my face, shaking it out, texting a friend, and I even tried breathing. Sometimes, breathing makes it worse for me and I almost panic. Nothing was working. I decided to do what I love, and it happens to be a helpful coping skill, I write it out. 

I experience irritation, quick breathing, fast heart rate, tingling in my body specifically in my arms and my teeth chatter. When it is intense, I cry. I have an overwhelming sense of dread and the unknown terrifies me. I feel like something bad might happen. No matter how much I tell myself I am safe, it doesn’t work. Eventually after minutes and sometimes hours, things start to become less intense. I feel less fearful, and the somatic symptoms subside. 

The anxiety will eventually leave. When it did a few days ago, I totally felt like myself. I wrote more in my journal. I identified a few places where my brain has been “future tripping”. I think this subconsciously brought on the anxiety along with being tired. 

I’m glad it didn’t last too long. I am glad my coping skills worked. I was grateful to be regulated and moving on with my day. 

I hope my openness, honestly, and vulnerability encourage you to know you are not alone with anxiety. It can happen to anyone! 

Take care of yourself today. Reach out to your support system if you need it. 

Look at the sky and breathe.